Now that I’ve been at this blog a couple months, now that it’s finally gathering a bit of momentum, there are a couple things I need to get off my chest.
Sometimes I don’t like this blog so much. Often I wonder what I’m doing, with the blog or life in general.
As someone who gets an inexplicable thrill out of stringing words together, sculpting my rough, emerging thoughts until I discover the statue within (to paraphrase Michelangelo), it’s easy to become infatuated with process at the expense of product; in other words, to fall in love with the sound of my own voice.
What’s more, I suspect this aesthetic addiction conspires with ego to nudge me toward a sugar-coated or superficial truth (this despite my tendency toward verbal exhibitionism or excessive sharing). After all, do you really want to know how lost I feel sometimes, how scared I get that this grand experiment won’t work? Will it somehow make your day to hear the voice of self-doubt scoff at my dream of earning a living doing what I love (a real living, not some incessant scrambling to make ends meet)?
Thing is, I do still believe in what I’m doing, and I’m sure that my recent geographic and professional leap was a good move. Yet at the same time, I worry that I’m wasting too much time lounging about, not getting enough done. I worry that I won’t be able to turn CASE (my Sudbury-promoting nonprofit) into a viable entity, that I’ll have to spend a lot of time at jobs I dislike in order to make money.
Oh, and speaking of money…well, there’s a whole source of anxiety in itself. Should I buy a car now, or wait to generate a steady income first? Will I ever be able to afford a nice house and a bit of land? Will I ever find my way back to decent health insurance?
Getting back to this blog, will I be able—on anything approaching a consistent basis—to write directly, candidly, and with complete honesty? I want to say only what I mean, in this blog and elsewhere (though when you write for others’ eyes, that’s easier said than done).
I want to prove that it’s possible for anyone to create a healthy, meaning- and purposeful life consistent with their nature and their ideals, one that allows them to live comfortably and bring something new and better into being.
And so I want your help—by which I mean your input, ideas, suggestions, etc.
Help me as I battle the voice of self-doubt and chart a course toward a deeply fulfilling life. Help me turn this chronicle of my quest into something worth your time as well as mine.
Help me inspire and empower more people to bring out their statue within.